Immortality
01/06/2004
7:33 p.m.
I never think too much about my parent's mortality. I mean, who likes to think about their parent's dying?! Of course, besides all you agnst-ridden teenagers pissed off because Mom won't let you get that skull & crossbones tattoo on your chest. I'm talking to those people that have good relations with the parental units. I personally have a wonderful relationship with my mom & dad. They're the world to me. Ten years ago, when I was sixteen, my father tried to kill himself. I saw it coming and I knew the evening when it was going to happen. The only reason I predicted it so well was because, the year before, I had tried to kill myself and could recognize all of the signs. I was the first person they let in to see him at the hospital. He had taken a bunch of pills and chased them with a bunch of alcohol. So they gave him charcoal to pump his stomach. I walked in the moment the charcoal took effect. I think I've said before about images that stick in your mind for eternity. This is one of those images. He was leaned over the sink vomiting this black mess. He looked so weak in that moment. And angry. He was angry that my neighbor had tricked him into going to the hospital, he was angry that they made him take the charcoal, and he was angry that I saw him in such a state. Naturally, I was angry with him for trying to leave my family. How dare he! Who did he think he was? I walked out of that hospital room and sat in the waiting room fuming. It was only then, when I remembered how I felt trying to take my own life, that I broke down. I caught up with him just before he got to the doors of the Psychiatric Unit. I hugged him and told him how much I would always love him. I'm sorry to be so depressing. I'm not usually like this. It's just that that was the last time I remember really thinking about one of my parents dying. Until tonight. It's funny, 'cause ever since then my father has been on this great quest to be more open about his feelings. Don't keep your emotions bottled up. Let's all talk about how we feel. And while his cause is quite noble, I'm afraid his delivery leaves something to be desired. Tonight, I called to chat with Mom, and Dad answered. He said she was at work and then said he had something to tell me. Now, most people would give you a moment to prepare for what sounds like bad news, but not Dad. He just rushes right into it. He told me that their next door neighbor's mother had had an aneurism, was brain-dead and on life-support. They weren't sure how much longer she would last, and he'd already been asked to be a pallbearer. Okay. I could handle that. My Dad started getting emotional and crying, and started talking about how Mom was at the hospital today 'cause she found a lump and it's just been a rough day and---- Whoa! What? Everything spun around me really fast and then just stopped. I almost swallowed my tongue ring. You don't just throw something like that out there! Holy shit! That's just not cool. It turned out to be just a cyst. But they didn't tell me until after the fact. He mentioned it so passingly. I couldn't help but to start crying. I had only called to see if my nephew was enjoying his new daycare! I don't know what I'd do without either of my parent's. I wouldn't know how to manage. Who would I call with questions about life? Who would know what to say when I'm feeling down? Where would I go on Christmas morning? Who would walk me down the aisle? I'm crying as I write this. I remember why I don't think about this very often. I've been so blessed that there's not much disease running in my family - well, besides the suicide thing. No cancer, heart disease, diabetes, stuff like that. I couldn't deal with this too often. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost one or both parents. I get the feeling you're much stronger than I am.
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� Lysistrata 2003-2004
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