Who's the Meal Ticket?
03/24/2003
7:11 p.m.
These things are dangerous. I think I knew that, but, then again, I'm not sure. I always looked at these online dairies in what I thought to be a logical way. I mean, hey, if you write in one of these and DON'T lock it, then obviously you don't care if anyone reads it, right? Am I confused about that? Or do most people not understand that this goes out into cyberspace onto the world wide web, and anyone with a web connection that knows your address can see everything you put out there? So what do you do when you see your own name in a loved one's journal, and it's not exactly a loving entry? This is complicated. Remember how I told you that Fortune Cookie showed me his journal? Well, I got curious and decided to read it. And this is what was written(be prepared for explicit language): FUCK YOU!!! 3/20/2003 There is no one I love right now. Obvisouly I do love my parents and family. But you know what I mean. No one of intrests. I do tell some people that have to tell me that they love me cause they have this crazy and caring feeling about me. Well I tell them that I love them to satisfy their want in hearing " I love you too". I internally have so much fucking hate built inside at the idea of "love" that I can't stand it. I seem normal and act not realy different , but older and wiser. But I have hate more than love. I think the idea is a bullshit. A ploy to emphasize the idea that there is someone out there for you. It's all bullshit. I am too far in my world of independece to give a fuck right now. Other people's happiness makes me sick. I internally hide it. Never showing how I really feel. I am not into raining on anyone's parade. I am just venting out. This is not a one day thing I just thought about. But built up process of relization. People see the smile, hear the tone... think everything is honky dory. But it's not. I hate you. I hate that you are happy. I will never be truly happy. I never really was. I was so fooling myself my move to kansas, my life, my job, my friends.. to me it's all just a big business. You have to have time to invest in all these. And what and why? TO gain respect? To gain friendship? Fuck all of you!! I don't need you or your pity. DOn't need your help. I have been alone basically for quite some time. It' funny how some people are decieved that I am dating Lysistrata. Fuck you for thinking that!! I am with and have no one!!! I don't need anyone!!! I need not anyone cause I am happy where I am at!!! Let get that straight!! DO see me if you are happy. DOn't share your happiness with me.. I don't need to know about your lives. Just be happy and shut the fuck up! I leave with this note.. FUCK YOU!!! � Are you lying when you say that you love me? [Annalisa] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ No I am not. [DamnedSoul] ------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not a Diaryland journal. Those 2 lines at the bottom are notes that have been left on his journal. DamnedSoul is Fortune Cookie and Annalisa is Evil Demon Spawn(the ex-girlfriend). Despite the many typos and such, this raises a lot of questions. Do I ask him about it? Do I ignore it? Do I ignore him? He wrote this last Thursday, and yet we had a great weekend together. Does the fact that he knows that I know where his journal is means that he doesn't care if I read this? Am I just a shag and a meal ticket? His behavior has always indicated that I'm more than that. He's never said anything like this to me before. He's always been so big about being honest. So what does this all mean now?
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� Lysistrata 2003-2004
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